Monday 29th March
10:50AM- I’ve been waiting to write for The Debate for a month (technically that’s the Melbourne International Comedy Festival Great Debate but who could be bothered). The number of days writing was absolutely, defiantly going to take place has passed into double digits. Somewhere in Melbourne arguments still rage about the topic. They film on Sunday, unless they decide soon they’ll be joke-less.
12:14PM- Its arrived. That’s surprising.
SEVERAL SECONDS LATER- The topic? “A hot dinner is better than a hot date.” Well I suppose its obscure. Good enough to justify the time its taken to come up with? Doubtful.
12:15PM- I’ve stated having ideas, which always gives me a lovely tingly kind of joy. In fact I should stop writing a blog no one will read and write some of these ideas down.
1:15PM– I love doing this. It really is one of my favourite things in the whole world.
1:35PM- I think I need food.
1:43PM- We write for Corrine Grant (the mediator) although she never gets a lot of jokes to air. Apparently The Debate is totally different live to the televised edited version.
1:51PM- Want to know what I’m having for lunch? No?
2:08PM- The topic is food related. Ready Steady Cook is legitimate research.
5:40PM- Just wrote a joke that made me laugh. Satisfyingly like tickling yourself.
5:46PM- I have 5 jokes (and 413 words of half jokes). Enough for one day.
Tuesday 30th March
9:08AM- Note to self- have a plethora of comedy gold to write by 2pm. NEED TO GET OFF FACEBOOK.
9:12AM- Need tea. Already.
9:32AM- So far I’ve written jokes about bestiality, cannibalism and date rape. Go team.
9:57AM- And there’s another one about cannibalism.
10:00AM- Ever tried Googling sexual cannibalism? My science teacher once gave us an internet research assignment on sexual reproduction. I think we all learnt rather more than she intended.
10:19AM- Now I’m being sexist.
10:21AM- Word just crashed for the second time in half an hour. If it does it again I’m going to be in need of a nice hard wall to beat myself again.
10:24AM- Did it again. I’m writing this joke for the third time. My teeth are gritted.
10:26AM-Excellent Now I’m going to spend the whole day saving obsessively.
10:42AM- Need more tea.
11:44AM- Went on the internet to Google something. Got distracted. Decided I didn’t like the joke I was Googling for anyway. Have unplugged the internet.
12:14PM- My computer keeps making small whiny noises. Our other computer makes a similar noise shortly before it gives up the will to live. Ctrl and S buttons likely to break from overuse.
1:00PM- An hour ‘til deadline. Keep getting distracted by food and mailmen. Would rather like a nap.
1:03PM- Part of me thinks I should give up and send it now. But comedy is an endurance sport. Will solider on.
1:16PM- Scaling the dizzying heights of good taste- just wrote a joke about necrophilia.
1:19PM- Word seems to have recovered from its- DAMN IT!
1:21PM- Recovery Mode is a bitch.
1:27PM- Another word crash. Kill. Me. Now.
1:46PM- Last read through. Getting inexplicably nervous.
1:57PM- Deep breath.
2:00PM (precisely)- SEND. Now we wait.
Friday 9th April
5:49PM- Got the script. I love the scripts.
5:50PM- The topic is different. “Food is better than sex.” It doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
6:05PM- I have two jokes in. One is still the way I wrote which is exciting, and the other has been changed around a bit and turned into an intro. My favourite joke however didn’t make the script. But isn’t that what blogs are for?
Both are fraught with danger. At dinner you risk serious burns, puncture wounds and food poisoning. On a date you could be scalded by your sweet hearts’ hotness, pierced by their razor wit or drugged, raped and murdered.
Monday 19th July
The Debate finally goes to air tonight- 8:30PM Channel Ten. For those of you gearing up to ask that dreaded question– Russel Kane’s intro. That’s all your getting.