Copping some flack*

An interview with Alex by Lauretta

So Alex, how’s the novel going?
Its going excellently, thankyou for asking. For anyone who hasn’t been keenly following the development- it’s a post modern rant about the role architecture played in the fall of Nazi Germany. The protagonist is deaf and illiterate. He can’t lip read and none of the other characters know any sign language. Basically, it’s a love story. I expect it to win many prizes.

I just have to ask, have you got any tips on how to make my dog shut up? He has separation issues and right now is howling in my ear whilst intermittently licking my elbow. It’s quite distracting.
You could throw something at it? Do you have one of those large, glass paper weights? Then again, who does have one of those. Where do you even buy them? What is the point of paper weights anyway? I mean it isn’t windy inside and who in their right mind who take one of those out doors? There’s a idea. Take your dog out doors. Then the paper weight is less likely to break a window when you throw it.

What is the most confusing thing about/in TV land?
Couches. I would one day like to write a thesis on the mysterious nature/location of couches in TV-Land. Apparently wherever they film MasterChef the first thing to arrive is a truck full of couches. None of which ever match any of the other couches in the truck. And whenever you mention these things to someone working in TV they go “oh yeah…” like they’ve never noticed. It is quite possibly a conspiracy on a grand scale.

What is your faaav-our-ite colour? Also, what is the best TV show you have ever seen that runs under 10 minutes?
There used to be this show on the ABC called Sopera Operera! or something. My brother and I used to call it Soap Opera. I think it was French. It was a stop motion animation using nothing but fruit. And it. Was. Awesome. My favourite colour is purple.

Have you had any success with other languages? A demonstration would be much appreciated.
I studied Japanese for six years. Yes that’s right. SIX YEARS. I’m not even competent. I can however say “excuse me, who owns that castle?” I’m not sure my blog can post in Japanese so I’ll type it in Romaji for you.
“Sumimasen. Conoshiro-no-machinushi-wa-doredesuka?”
I can also say “waffle” in Spanish and “you are a dumb potato” in German.

As you are so fond of a cup of tea, surely you have a favourite accompanying biscuit.
Chocolate Hobnobs. They’re amazing. I am craving them just thinking about it. For anyone who had never tried this particularly glorious member of the biscuit family- GO OUT AND BUY SOME. They are made by ‘McVitie’s’. Which is fun to say. Also Google has just informed me that McVitie’s is owned by a company called ‘United Biscuits.’ So maybe Hobnobs will one day take over the world.

You meet someone who has –inexplicably- not seen Doctor Who. What would your reaction be?
Well first of all I would immediately think worse of them as a person. Its wrong to judge a book by its cover but some judgements are founded. My theory is that EVERYONE likes Doctor Who. Its just that some people haven’t given it a chance yet. So if possible I’d sit this person down and make them watch. Using force is necessary. There is a reason most of my friends are now addicted to this wonderful piece of television.

Do you have a favourite fictional character?
This is a terribly hard question. I am of the opinion that it should be illegal to discriminate against people simply because they don’t technically exist. Despite trying very hard I am finding it impossible to pick just one. Therefore here are five- The Doctor, Ford Prefect, Lynda Day, Jim Hawkins and Daniel Bancroft.

Non-fictional?
Eliminating all the non-fictional people I actually KNOW (including family, friends and passing acquaintances) I’d have to say Steven Moffat. If I am ever having a bad day I know he can cheer me up. It is a life long ambition to tell him this in person. And as such I should stop saying crazy fan girl stuff about him on the internet. If you’re reading this Mr Steven Moffat Sir- I am not a stalker. I can’t be. Because I live too far away.

If you were a man, would you want to grow a beard/’stache?
When men reach a certain age they all decide that they should grow facial hair. Just because you are physically able to do this does not mean it is a good idea. However, I am able to understand this fact due to being a women. If I WAS a man, I too would be plagued by this inexplicable urge. Therefore yes, I probably would. As much as it pains me to say so.

Thank you very much for patiently answering my questions. Here, have this plug-in-the-computer-and-light-up lump of salt.

*Neither Alex nor Lauretta take responsibilty for this pun. If you’d like to make a complaint email me and I’ll forward it to my brother.

Further reading

December – home

I spent the first minutes of 2018 on the beach. I’ve never actually spent New Year