Emailing TV-Land

When I started, my main concern was that it wouldn’t take me long to run out of adventures. Despite what this blog may lead you to believe, I actually haven’t spent very much time in TV-Land. In fact most of the time has been spent emailing someone who lives there. I’ve talked before about how far away the mystical realms of TV-Land feel on a hyper-normal day in Grafton-Land. Sometimes, as weird as it sounds, I begin to wonder if maybe I imagined it all. When that happens I email Ian.

It’s now been three whole years since I send my first message to the desk of TV-Land and to celebrate I’ve compiled a list of some of the insane excuses for emails I’ve devised in that time. Enjoy.

“The UN has declared 2008 the International Year of the Potato. 1

“I love maths for the mathematically challenged. The other day I got to draw a graph showing police investigations onto the illegal activities of a Chinese restaurant. 2

“Please select an option below-
GNW is not on air because-
a) you and all your writers are on strike in protest against budget cuts.
b) it is coming back on air in the semi-distant future after that show with numbers instead of a name has ended.
c) it has been cut or is in the process of being viciously stuffed around.
d) you are too busy to answer stupid questions”

“DISCLAIMER- you are under no obligation to respond to this email within the next decade, with more than one word or indeed at all.”


“What happened to the paper cannon? Surely Channel Ten can afford a paper cannon?3

“It’s not just me then? Working in television is kind of like working for ASIO?”

“I don’t even want to know what you were thinking when you said “I know! How about we actually let this random child from the country have a crack at writing for our show. Who cares if she’s bairly old enough to come to the filming? It’ll be fine!”

“If they enact the swine flu law things and ban public gathering, are you allowed to have an audience at GNW?”

“I plan to devote Monday to watching television. I’ve been looking forward to it since November.”

“So maybe tomorrow or Thursday or next week sometime or April at the latest?”

“You don’t have any idea how to compress a video file do you?”

“If there is a perfectly reasonable explanation behind the lounge story I don’t want to know what it is.”

“1-Today is International Towel Day. Therefore Happy Towel Day!
3-Why is the script only printed on half the page?”

“Do you ship the set down to Melbourne? Or do you have a team of plebs replicating it exactly using only cardboard, gaffa tape and al foil? 4

“It says in one of the GNW books that you celebrated your 100th episode in like 98. Which made me think- you must be up to something mammoth by now. You should celebrate one episode. You could fire a glitter cannon for every episode you’ve filmed. Which, if I’ve calculated correctly, would be about one every 20 seconds.”

1- This is true.
2- Also true.
3-Random fact- The paper cannon at the beginning of each episode is hardly ever set off during filming. Somewhere there are a series of file shots that are edited in later. If you look carefully Paul’s tie doesn’t match up and after about five weeks the shots start to repeat themselves.
4- The set is actually put in a large truck and driven to Melbourne for the comedy festival

Further reading

December – home

I spent the first minutes of 2018 on the beach. I’ve never actually spent New Year