How to host a murder

Hosting a Host-A-Murder party is basically like inviting all your friends over to re-enact live-action television for your entertainment.
Last night, for my brother’s 20th birthday we had a “Murder a la carte” party. It wasn’t the kind that has Vincent Price on the box. The theme was “Bullets & BBQ”.
The suspects are as follows:
Fin: playing a negligent doctor with a grudge against the sheriff
Alex (not me): a fast talking, quick dealing gambler
Rachel: the sheriff’s English mail-order bride
Beccamarsh: the town’s school mistress
Tom: a Mexican bandit who’s just ridden into town
Kalinda: the local saloon’s “entertainer” known for her singing
And me, the host. Who’s job it is to keep everyone’s glasses full.
At the beginning of the party the accents were optional. After about five minutes they became recommended and by the end of the first glass of tequila they were more or less compulsory.
Here is a slice of what went down:
Me: “I’m not sure what kind of dance you’re doing.”
*Tom takes off sombrero. Dances around it.*
(while instructing Tom on how to pose for his photo)
Fin: “Come on. Look Mexican.”
Beccamarsh: “Less racist.”
Kalinda: “It’s not racist if it’s actual Mexican.”
(Kalinda is wearing a corset)
Me: “Are you trying to take a photo of your cleavage?”
Kalinda: “It’s for my boyfriend, it’s ok.”
(Instructing Rachel on her English accent)
Beccamarsh: “Are you just going to talk quietly for the whole evening?”
Alex: “Just pretend Maggie Smith is inside your head.”
(On discovering Rachel is already married, despite being engaged to the sheriff)
Rachel: “I was a damned fool.”
Alex: “Spinster was what you were. Says right here.”
*holds up marriage certificate*
Kalinda: “Does. I read it.”
Rachel: (out of character) “Does it really?”
(On being accused of being a drunkard)
Fin: “I take a swig of whiskey from time to time to calm my nerves. But I could stop whenever I want… Also I would like one of those sausages.”
*points at sausages*
(While trying to convince everyone that his bullet wound was self-inflicted)
Alex: “It was an accident! Bibi Gunn! With a name like that you’d have shot yourself once or twice!”
(In regard to her mail-order marriage to the sheriff)
Rachel: “The sheriff was misleading about his looks.”
Alex: “He does have a rather large head.”
Kalinda: “And a shiny face.”
Alex: “Not a good nose. In fact no nose.”
Fin: “No nose. Rare medical condition.”

sheriff (with balloon head)
(Following a comment from the Mexican)
Kalinda: “Can you speak American?”
Rachel: “I object to that. It’s called English.”
Kalinda: “We speak American here honey. See how our words sound different?”
Fin: “Your speech is all quiet and muffled. Lacking in freedom.”
Rachel: “At least my accent stays in one place! Wait… nope. It’s gone.”
Beccamarsh: “I am quite concerned that my lover might have killed my brother.”

At this point in the evening everything just descended into people literally just yelling at each other in accents. Occasionally, when important information came to light, everyone would just scream WHAAAAAAAAT in union. It became rather difficult to make notes. Let me just say that the party was great, and it is definitely something I would recommend. To quote the deputy sheriff on the provided cassette: “This murder mystery is like a herd of stampeding buffalo. I wouldn’t want to leave if my barn was on fire.”

Further reading

December – home

I spent the first minutes of 2018 on the beach. I’ve never actually spent New Year