Guest post by Lizzy King
7:30pm- I have a seat and a chocolate bar. Nothing can assail me.
7:37pm- Still waiting to start. Its just like a REAL wedding. The bride is always late. I hope no-one cries.
7:40pm- The Perfect Match theme/titles play.
7:41pm- “Hello and welcome to ‘The Host is a Little Bit Drunk.’”1
7:42pm- The writers and wives are singing ‘Can you Feel the Love Tonight’ backstage.
7:45pm- When Lawrence Leung met Sian Campbell- there seems to be a lot of cheese involved.
7:47pm- Sian pulls the old yawn and stretch technique.
7:48pm- I think Sian and Lawrence’s second date was in a bottle-o.2
7:50pm- Sian confesses to dragging people into trees regularly.
7:51pm- Someone heckles. Another heckler responds- “Oh god someone else is drunk!”
7:51pm- Is this Sian’s confession time? She admits to making out with someone in a prayer room in an airport.
7:53pm- Lawrence adds Sian on Facebook- live! The crowd cheers.
7:55pm- Lawrence’s brother calls and we shout at him.
7:56pm- When Matthew met Tim.
7:59pm- “Was there a romantic moment?” Extended pause.
8:00pm- Washing machines, comedy gold.
8:01pm- It appears that quite a few of the contestants were at the same game of ‘Never Have I Ever’ last night.3
8:02pm- Wait…I was there too. Now I remember.
8:03pm- Tim is running away to Canada- not because of the date apparently.
8:04pm- Sian and Lawrence interrupt with the excellent phrase “Spelling Bee Keeper.”
8:05pm- Alex is on screen! Oh! The little red man joke. I know it!4
8:06pm- When Alex met Luke. Sans Luke…oh.
8:07pm- Alex’s worst date would be Hitler. So anything would be better I suppose.
8:08pm- Alex- “The blog’s on the internet so I guess the relationship is forever now.”
Laura- “That’s the most romantic thing anyone’s said all night!”
8:09pm- The crowd chants to call Luke. It goes to voicemail. We leave an obnoxious message.
8:09pm- When Garth met Katie. Also Sans Katie.
8:12pm- Someone yells “Alex and Garth!”
8:12pm- It transpires that Katie and Garth live in the same suburb. Heckler- “So she can tram it down to west Garth!”
8:16pm- Garth was so excited to meet Katie it upset him. It appears he’s more smitten than Katie.
8:17pm- No wait, she has sent a message through Sian AND the power of video.
8:18pm- It would appear Garth and Katie have created their own secret code.
8:21pm- Lawrence has been unfaithful?
Sian- “Yeah, let’s get back to this- who is Gold Shirt?”
8:22pm- Alex has been unfaithful with someone’s beard?
8:24pm- Say ‘clear crowd favourite’ five times fast… “clear clown favour?”
8:25pm- There is general crowd “nawwwing.”
8:26pm- Re Garth- “WRITER GOTTA WIFE!”
8:27pm- Lawrence invites Sian to his show in Brisbane. Sian- “There are a lot of good trees in Brisbane.”
8:28pm- Tim and Matthew quote Australia’s Next Top Model. “I just have a lot of emotions!” “I didn’t come here to make friends!”
8:29pm- This crowd loves chanting PLUS ONE! PLUS ONE! What does it mean?!
1- Laura tripped while walking on stage. She later admitted she decided to play drunk because it was better than being uncoordinated.
2- Immediately before the event started 5 of the 6 contestants found ourselves in the nearest bottle shop.
3- Yeah… that was a thing that happened.
4- They showed the punch-line to my best joke. Just the punch line. To a whole room of people.