Letters to July – First

I’m going to try and blog every day during July as part of Letters to July. It’s probably a bad idea.
Dear July,
I forgot I wanted to do this. It seemed like a good idea in April. I spent a morning binge watching two years’ worth of Emily’s letters. It was a lonely morning and lying on my bed, looking out the window, the videos made me feel that trendy kind of melancholy. “I could do that,” I thought. “I could write letters.”
Now here we are, July. I wasn’t really ready for you. June wasn’t particularly kind to me and I feel like I’ve stumbled into you underprepared and out of breath. I’m behind. There’ll be a lot of catching up while we’re together even though what I really want to do is fall in a heap and read comic books between boats of napping. I could be doing these thing right now but instead I’m writing this letter.
A lot has happened since you were here last. Last July, happiness took effort. I was relearning happy, working at it. Last July I had no jobs and was struggling under the ever increasing weight of unemployment. Now I have too many jobs, too many things, not enough days to spare. Happiness is easier, more natural, but some days there’s still shadows from when it was hard.
Today was nice though. It was the first day in weeks where I felt like I had time to spare. My parents are here. I feel more grown up every time I see them. I want to feel like an adult around them, want them to see me that way. I want to prove to them that I’m doing ok. It’s the first time dad has visited since we moved, only the second time mum has. I wonder if I’ll see Melbourne differently with them? I’m still not completely at home here. I resist feeling completely at home. I want to stop resisting, I think, but it isn’t as easy as that. 
There we go, July. One letter down. Writing to you might still be a terrible idea, another thing to fill the time I don’t have. But I think maybe I need this pause – this moment in the middle to stop and catch my breath. 
Alex x
Letters to July is a project started by Emily Diana Ruth. For more information, click here

Further reading

December – home

I spent the first minutes of 2018 on the beach. I’ve never actually spent New Year