Letters to July – Ninth


I’m going to try and blog every day during July as part of Letters to July. It’s probably a bad idea.
Dear July,
The moment that I realised I was in love with Alex*, I was in a shopping centre. We weren’t dating yet. Staying up late every night to flirt via Facebook chat is not not dating, but at the time I was deeply in denial about it all.
I’d just bought a new pen. The pen was yellow and had a pattern of hot air balloons and clouds. This isn’t a very good story because it hinges on a nonsensical personal joke but bear with me, July. The point is that picking this particular pen wasn’t accidental. The reason I chose that pen was Alex.
So I’m standing outside this shop, looking at this pen. I picked it and I bought it without a second thought and then as soon as that was done, I froze. I stood in the middle of this crowded walkway for a really long time, staring at this pen. And I just thought “I am so far gone”.
Love is a strange thing. About six months after this, when we were officially dating, I had a panic attack because I was so happy that it terrified me. I spent a lot of that first year wondering how I could possibly have the capacity for these feelings, how they could fit inside me when they felt so huge. I’ve grown into them now but I still feel like that some days.
Today was Alex’s birthday. I made him French toast for breakfast and in the evening I made Japanese-style curry and we ate too much and spent a long time lying on the couch groaning. It was a nice day. He is a nice person. I’m very lucky that I get to love him this much.
Alex x
Letters to July is a project started by Emily Diana Ruth. For more information, click here.

* Everyone who reads this blog is aware I’m dating someone with the same name as me and isn’t at all confused? Good? Good.

Further reading

December – home

I spent the first minutes of 2018 on the beach. I’ve never actually spent New Year