Load bearing emu

National Young Writers Festival 2011

8:32am- Pick my way threw unconscious friends to turn the kettle on. That’s right. I have the kind of house where people fall asleep in the kitchen. I’m pretty cool.
9:15am- Continuing various discussions last night I finalise my Writer Want a Wife questions while watching my friend Rachel play pool.
Rachel- “Congradulations on your questions. I hope they find you love.”
9:54am- Heading into town to meet Lizzy and Sian for breakfast. Fin is inadvertently attempting to impale me with his camera tripod.
10:25am- While waiting for waffles to arrive we have various arguments/discussions about Doctor Who, Minecraft and the moon.
10:36am- Waffles arrive. Will probably not need to eat anything else all day. Damn good waffles.
10:47am- Sian and I decide we should go and try on wedding dresses. Just in case Writer Wants a Wife goes well. Best to be prepared.
11:06am- Doing a workshop about cryptic crosswords. I would very much like to be good at cryptic crosswords.
11:08am- I am never going to be good at cryptic crosswords.
11:49am- Last night’s exhaustion has just caught up and crass tackled me from behind. Must. Concentrate. On. Crosswords.
12:30pm- There is a giant crossword on the wall. With our newfound knowledge we decide to attempt it.
12:38pm- Totally get a clue. All by myself. I am a bone-fide genius people.
12:45pm- It occurs to us that we might actually be able to finish this whole crossword. Our collective excitement is quite large.
1:08pm- “That’s what’s holding us back. Our limited knowledge of sexually transmitted diseases.”
1:23pm– Bloody finish a zarking cryptic crossword. Holy zarquon’s singing fish. We are amazing.
2:10pm- Sitting at a table while people more talented than me draw pictures. Student media are cutting and pasting in a corner.
2:26pm- We may have just found William McBribe. Get excited.
2:37pm- Call off the man hunt! Man found!
2:56pm- Hey that’s right. This festival actually has fascinating things where you learn stuff hidden between all the fun and socialising.
3:06pm- Have I pimped Voiceworks lately? Voiceworks is amazing. Go buy some Voiceworks.
3:37pm- Fin and I are having nachos at Sproket while I try to use the wifi. It has occurred to me that my internet is actually portable. I could have bought it with me from home. Facepalm.
4:03pm- If you’re wandering around in search of a toilet, the ones at Sprocket are pretty great. This has been today’s top tip.
4:26pm- We’ve installed ourselves cross legged in front of the stage for Would You Rather. Feel like an over enthusiastic school child.

Following are a selection of choice quotes from Would You Rather. Feel free to play along at home.
On the panel- 
Ben Jenkins (moderator), Geoff Lemon, Zoe Sanders, Lawrence Leung, Dominic Knight, Mark Sutton.
(Sorry if I’ve attributed any quotes wrong. There may be some flaws in my note taking process.)

Would you rather loose a finger (painlessly and medically) or always wear a cape?
GL- “What is a regulation sized cape?”
[The cape does not need to be worn while showering.]GL- “Can you, hypothetically, construct a portable shower and wear it everywhere and not wear a cape?”
BJ- “You’ve discovered a clever loophole. But I’ll let you have it because the question now becomes, would you rather loose a finger or always be in the shower.”
ZS- [To GL] “I think you’re overestimating the sexual attractiveness of missing digits or limbs.”
GL- “Ironically it would be very hard to tie up a cape with a missing finger.”
LL- “There’s more things you can do with fingers than you can do with capes. I’ve never caped someone.”

Would you rather be able to back-flip on cue for the rest of your life or be Nelson Mandela’s pen pal for the rest of his?
DK-“Does it include moral back flips or just physical ones?”
[The audience is asked if anyone would like to come on stage and demonstrate a back flip]LL- “Can anyone say public liability insurance?”
GL- “So you have to be medically entitled to a wheel chair before you can back flip a seating device?”
BJ- “No you cannot Skype Nelson Mandela!”

Would you rather have a friendly emu who you could ride around on, or play a real life Mario Kart tournament?
BJ- “It’s a loud bearing emu.”
LL- “Do I have to learn plumbing or Italian?”
DK- [on Mario Kart] “There’s got to be a Green Room.”
GL- “Can it talk?”
BJ- “No it can’t talk! This isn’t fucking Mario Kart!”
GL- “If I can’t walk and I’m riding the emu, can I back flip with the emu?”
BJ- “These don’t accumulate!”
ZS- “They would in Mario Kart!”
LL- “I want to go to Mario Kart but only if I can race against Nelson Mandela.”

Would you rather work at Hogwart for the rest of your life in a non-magical capacity, or be the next member of the Ocean’s team?
GL-”You are the most expendable character when some kind of flaming umbrella monster breaks out of the chamber of thingo.”
LL- “When you say ‘no magic’, does that include card tricks?”

Would you rather be Kim Kardashin’s ghost writer or the ghost of Christmas past?
BJ- “To clarify, you are only a ghost in one of these.”
MS- “The ghost of Christmas past is all ‘your childhood sucked! Goodbye!’”
[It is asked whether you would have to be the ghost of Christmas past from the Muppets. It is generally agreed that you could dress as a Muppet if you so desired.]BJ- “For time immortal, the first thing anyone would ask you is ‘why are you dressed as a Muppet?’”

Would you rather talk to the animals but all the animals hate you or be able to control all the bees but the bees are quite lazy?
BJ- “You cannot produce royal jelly.”
GL- “I’m a possum! I’m in a tree!
GL- “Why are the dogs misogynists?”
MS- “I think it would be interesting to know how a meerkat would insult me.”
LL- “This is why democracy doesn’t work!”

Would you rather drink a pint of fizzy urine or a pot of still?
ZS- “At least fizzy urine would be kind of refreshing.”
MS- “Is it chilled?”
GL- “Is there a little umbrella?”
MS- “Less urine. Better option.”
BJ-[Following a suggested audience question] “I think we might just take that as comment. I’ve always wanted to say that!”

You have a one-way time machine, would you go to the past or the future?
MS- “Would you go back to ancient Rome or would you go back to the time of ancient Rome but be in Newcastle?”
LL- “Do I speak Latin?”
BJ- “I’m sorry Lawrence but you can’t go back two minutes for no reason.”
ZS- “So I can take my iPhone?”
GL- “But if you loose your charger, you’re fucked.”
MS- “I don’t know what the future’s going to be like. There could be a new age of sexism and homophobia.”
BJ- “A renaissance!”
ZS- “You’re attracted to the prospect of bikes and orphans?”
DK- “You should move to Beijing.”

Not only did I go on a dating panel event and then a date, I plan to tell the internet about it. 
Excitement coming soon!

Further reading

December – home

I spent the first minutes of 2018 on the beach. I’ve never actually spent New Year