8:32am- Pick my way threw unconscious friends to turn the kettle on. That’s right. I have the kind of house where people fall asleep in the kitchen. I’m pretty cool.
9:15am- Continuing various discussions last night I finalise my Writer Want a Wife questions while watching my friend Rachel play pool.
Rachel- “Congradulations on your questions. I hope they find you love.”
9:54am- Heading into town to meet Lizzy and Sian for breakfast. Fin is inadvertently attempting to impale me with his camera tripod.
10:25am- While waiting for waffles to arrive we have various arguments/discussions about Doctor Who, Minecraft and the moon.
10:36am- Waffles arrive. Will probably not need to eat anything else all day. Damn good waffles.
10:47am- Sian and I decide we should go and try on wedding dresses. Just in case Writer Wants a Wife goes well. Best to be prepared.
11:06am- Doing a workshop about cryptic crosswords. I would very much like to be good at cryptic crosswords.
11:08am- I am never going to be good at cryptic crosswords.
11:49am- Last night’s exhaustion has just caught up and crass tackled me from behind. Must. Concentrate. On. Crosswords.
12:30pm- There is a giant crossword on the wall. With our newfound knowledge we decide to attempt it.
12:38pm- Totally get a clue. All by myself. I am a bone-fide genius people.
12:45pm- It occurs to us that we might actually be able to finish this whole crossword. Our collective excitement is quite large.
1:08pm- “That’s what’s holding us back. Our limited knowledge of sexually transmitted diseases.”
1:23pm– Bloody finish a zarking cryptic crossword. Holy zarquon’s singing fish. We are amazing.
2:10pm- Sitting at a table while people more talented than me draw pictures. Student media are cutting and pasting in a corner.
2:26pm- We may have just found William McBribe. Get excited.
2:37pm- Call off the man hunt! Man found!
2:56pm- Hey that’s right. This festival actually has fascinating things where you learn stuff hidden between all the fun and socialising.
3:06pm- Have I pimped Voiceworks lately? Voiceworks is amazing. Go buy some Voiceworks.
3:37pm- Fin and I are having nachos at Sproket while I try to use the wifi. It has occurred to me that my internet is actually portable. I could have bought it with me from home. Facepalm.
4:03pm- If you’re wandering around in search of a toilet, the ones at Sprocket are pretty great. This has been today’s top tip.
4:26pm- We’ve installed ourselves cross legged in front of the stage for Would You Rather. Feel like an over enthusiastic school child.
Would you rather loose a finger (painlessly and medically) or always wear a cape?
GL- “What is a regulation sized cape?”
[The cape does not need to be worn while showering.]GL- “Can you, hypothetically, construct a portable shower and wear it everywhere and not wear a cape?”
BJ- “You’ve discovered a clever loophole. But I’ll let you have it because the question now becomes, would you rather loose a finger or always be in the shower.”
ZS- [To GL] “I think you’re overestimating the sexual attractiveness of missing digits or limbs.”
GL- “Ironically it would be very hard to tie up a cape with a missing finger.”
LL- “There’s more things you can do with fingers than you can do with capes. I’ve never caped someone.”
Would you rather be able to back-flip on cue for the rest of your life or be Nelson Mandela’s pen pal for the rest of his?
DK-“Does it include moral back flips or just physical ones?”
[The audience is asked if anyone would like to come on stage and demonstrate a back flip]LL- “Can anyone say public liability insurance?”
GL- “So you have to be medically entitled to a wheel chair before you can back flip a seating device?”
BJ- “No you cannot Skype Nelson Mandela!”
Would you rather have a friendly emu who you could ride around on, or play a real life Mario Kart tournament?
BJ- “It’s a loud bearing emu.”
LL- “Do I have to learn plumbing or Italian?”
DK- [on Mario Kart] “There’s got to be a Green Room.”
GL- “Can it talk?”
BJ- “No it can’t talk! This isn’t fucking Mario Kart!”
GL- “If I can’t walk and I’m riding the emu, can I back flip with the emu?”
BJ- “These don’t accumulate!”
ZS- “They would in Mario Kart!”
LL- “I want to go to Mario Kart but only if I can race against Nelson Mandela.”
Would you rather work at Hogwart for the rest of your life in a non-magical capacity, or be the next member of the Ocean’s team?
GL-”You are the most expendable character when some kind of flaming umbrella monster breaks out of the chamber of thingo.”
LL- “When you say ‘no magic’, does that include card tricks?”
Would you rather be Kim Kardashin’s ghost writer or the ghost of Christmas past?
BJ- “To clarify, you are only a ghost in one of these.”
MS- “The ghost of Christmas past is all ‘your childhood sucked! Goodbye!’”
[It is asked whether you would have to be the ghost of Christmas past from the Muppets. It is generally agreed that you could dress as a Muppet if you so desired.]BJ- “For time immortal, the first thing anyone would ask you is ‘why are you dressed as a Muppet?’”
Would you rather talk to the animals but all the animals hate you or be able to control all the bees but the bees are quite lazy?
BJ- “You cannot produce royal jelly.”
GL- “I’m a possum! I’m in a tree!”
GL- “Why are the dogs misogynists?”
MS- “I think it would be interesting to know how a meerkat would insult me.”
LL- “This is why democracy doesn’t work!”
Would you rather drink a pint of fizzy urine or a pot of still?
ZS- “At least fizzy urine would be kind of refreshing.”
MS- “Is it chilled?”
GL- “Is there a little umbrella?”
MS- “Less urine. Better option.”
BJ-[Following a suggested audience question] “I think we might just take that as comment. I’ve always wanted to say that!”
You have a one-way time machine, would you go to the past or the future?
MS- “Would you go back to ancient Rome or would you go back to the time of ancient Rome but be in Newcastle?”
LL- “Do I speak Latin?”
BJ- “I’m sorry Lawrence but you can’t go back two minutes for no reason.”
ZS- “So I can take my iPhone?”
GL- “But if you loose your charger, you’re fucked.”
MS- “I don’t know what the future’s going to be like. There could be a new age of sexism and homophobia.”
BJ- “A renaissance!”
ZS- “You’re attracted to the prospect of bikes and orphans?”
DK- “You should move to Beijing.”