So you want to be a Doctor’s companion?

Do you dream of leaving your life behind to run away in a little blue box? Unfortunately there are probably a few things standing between you and life in the vortex of space/time. Never fear, I’m here to help you maximise your chances of being The Doctor’s next companion. 
Heels
First of all, don’t be a man. Being a man (statistically speaking) drastically lowers your chances. All good? Great! Now, you’re going to have to learn to run in heels. This is, without doubt, the most important skill you can possibly master to prepare yourself for the arrival of that blue box. Running will fill up a lot of your time from now on and, more importantly, sensible shoes are frowned upon. Plus, you might have to run for your life at a black tie event and it’s important to be prepared.
During your training be sure to master running not only on solid floors but on grass, mud and the shifting walls of gravel quarries. It is also vitally important that you practice running on metal grills. You will probably have to do this above the flaming heart of an exploding spaceship – getting a heel caught could be disastrous.

Fitness
In case you hadn’t gathered from all that running in stilettos, you’re going to need to get very fit. All companions are in peak physical condition. The Doctor needs them that way. For the running. It’s also a good idea to perfect a style of running that doesn’t make you look like a demented sea bird. Try for grace and elegance, even when going full pelt. You may also need to hold onto small ledges for dear life, so don’t neglect upper body strength.

Life
Now, your life is going to need to be boring. It is a harsh but unavoidable truth that if you have an interesting and satisfying job your chances are severely diminished. The same goes for a perfect family and/or social life. If you’ve got a lot going on, there’s a chance that, when it comes down to it, you won’t really want to leave and risk missing out on the real world. Luckily, given your punishing training regime, you probably don’t have time to see your loved ones anyway. Good. Keep that up. 

Hair
You’re going to need amazing hair. Apart from granting you general success in life, great hair is a must if you want to be a companion. It’s also worth noting that you may have to run out the door at any given moment, into any given decade, so lengthily beauty routines are out. Learn to look fabulous in record time.
On that note – buy a dressing gown. You won’t know where, you won’t know when. A dressing gown will help you achieve an attractively dishevelled look in the wee early hours if necessary. If he does rock up at 1am, you won’t have time to get changed.
Location
You’re going to need to move to the UK. This is vitally important. Records indicate that being born anywhere other than the British Isles will have already seriously affected your prospects. Living elsewhere more or less kills them dead. So get off your arse and relocate. Preferably somewhere prone to alien invasion, like London.

Now wait. And listen. 

To celebrate the 50thAnniversary of Doctor Who this weekend, they’ll be a couple of bonus blogs.
You can also read this thing I wrote about Doctor Who over at Junkee.

Further reading

December – home

I spent the first minutes of 2018 on the beach. I’ve never actually spent New Year