I had just returned from South America where I’d spent eight months relieving the continent of its surplus of supa-panchos (delicious giant hotdogs topped with crushed potato crisps) and was training through a painful injury to get my arse back into shape for the Australian Hockey League (I used to play for the Queensland Scorchers). I was also finding it soul-crushingly difficult to find work in Brisbane, and after running out of savings and mum-and-dad favours had to apply for the dole the same week I sent in my application for Project Next. (I ended up briefly getting my old job back as a researcher/writer for a production company that specialised in museums and exhibitions before getting a spot on the show.) I don’t want to get all Oprah on you, but this was a valuable life lesson about how really horrible times always pass… Have a rainbow!
It was called “Soul Savers 101” and was an spoof instructional DVD for the insidious Christian evangelists who prowl university college corridors looking for lonely and vulnerable first year students to baptise in blow-up baby pools.
You’re asked to explain Hungry Beast to someone who has never seen the show. Using mime. You are allowed to have three props. What would they be and why?
The internet*, a television and a blender. Many reasons. 1. Our (somewhat chaotic) format and style is heavily influenced by the internet browsing experience. 2. We aim to bring stories about and from the new digital/connected world of the web to trusty traditional television. 3. Actually I would cheat and use the person I was explaining this to as a fourth prop and put them in the blender too, to show that we still find room for deeply human stories.
What’s a normal day at the office like? Is there such a thing?
No. I don’t care what Nick McD says, it is not normal to see a colleague walk past your desk wearing nothing but a flesh-toned G-string with butchers’ choice cuts marked all over his body. See here:
Yes, but they are all between me and my therapist.
Are there free sandwiches?
Can you give us any extremely cryptic and unhelpful teasers about the new series?
ECAH ESIDPOE WLII VEHA A METHE. EKPE NA EEY TOU ORF DAB ESA CETRRSEAU.
Do your flaps hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a regimental soldier? Do your Flaps. Hang. Low?
Does your clit hang out? Is your pudenda rather stout? Is your vulva not real ‘neat’? Can you touch it with your feet? Are you an outie not an innie and don’t think that should be a sin-ny? Does your Clit. Hang. Out?
(If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, please take a closed-legged photograph of your cooch and send a copy to the Australian Classification Board.)
Muppet? Miss Piggy
Colour? Gin sparkle
Sound? A hockey ball hitting the steel backboard of a goal box
Letter of the alphabet? P (This is also the best letter to use if you are having a costume party.)
Biscuit? As long as there’s cheese on it.
Number between 7 and 45? 19