The following is a recount of a Dungeons and Dragons campaign. If you’re unfamiliar with DnD, you can still read this as an epic narrative. You might want to have this open in anther tab.
The once mighty Empire of Glock (who’s main export is tea) has been thrown into chaos and civil war since The Incident which killed the King and Queen and marked the disappearance of the Princess. In a desperate attempt to regain their honour and restore balance to the empire, four members of the palace elite set out on a quest.
Fin and I are joint Dungeon Master for said quest. That means (for the uninitiated) that we’ve created the whole story and will be narrating it. Our heroes are beccamarsh, Rachel, Tom and Charlie.
They make their way to the maze, along with Fizzgig the gnome who they’ve hired as a guide. They have an argument about whether or not they should trust Fizzgig. Due to a number of very bad rolls they are now convinced that he’s legit. Fizzgig is not legit. He leads them into a dead end. Which attacks them.
A- The vine gets to go first.
C- IT’S A VINE!
A- It rolled really well.
Tom and Charlie have an argument about who is higher ranked. The vine continues to attack them.
Charlie tried to attack the vine with his mystical powers of religion. He rolls a 1.
C- How much Will can a vine have?!
F- The vine resists your divine will.
C- IT’S A VINE!
A- You prayed to the wrong God. The Gods smite you. Your head catches on fire.
Finally, and against the odds, they manage to kill the vine. They take a short rest to heal themselves.
C- If you let me hit you with my hammer, I can heal.
C- I can only heal if I hit things with my hammer!
Something of a feud is developing between Tom and Charlie.
Rachel takes this opportunity to question Fizzgig. This does not go well for Fizzgig. Having finally worked out the gnome is suss, they argue at length about whether they should throw him over the hedge.
R- Tell us what you know!
T- Or you’ll get gnome tossed.
F- You grab the gnome by scruff of the neck. It disappears.
T- FUCKING GNOMES!
Without Fizzgig, the party proceed to fail the skill challenge required to navigate the maze. With gusto. They stumble into another dead end. It attacks them.
R- What would I roll for a seduction check…
A- You can’t seduce the vine!
T- Wait til they come near then catch them by surprise.
C- They’ll never see it coming!
B- Scorching burst.
T- We’re trying to be diplomatic!
R- They might just be misunderstood!
The vine, despite their attempts to reason with it, continues to gouge Charlie’s eyes out.
F- You clearly have some kind of attraction for vines.
T- Animal magnetism!
F- Horticultural magnetism…
Charlie actually manages to shake it off.
F- You finally make a hit!
A- The vine is surprised.
They kill the vine but remain in the clearing, convinced that a ditch on the field contains some kind of unseen evil. It is actually a ditch.
C- I take a short rest.
T- A short breast?
C- I’ll take a short breast if you’re offering.
T- Can we do an arcane check to see if there’s anything in the ditch?
B- I roll a 27?
C- Let me guess- it’s a ditch?
A- It is a ditch. There’s definitely nothing in the ditch. It is dirt. A couple of rocks. Nothing magic.
In a show of pity Fin and Alex ignore the fact that the party fail another skill challenge and let them stumble into a clearing. There is an inn.
After some discussion the party enters the inn. Except for Rachel who uses her ninja skills to look through a window without being seen. Inside are three satyrs. They offer the party free drinks and hit on them a lot. There is much discussion about the various aspects of seducing the goat people.
T- How many goats have you had sex with?
A- They’re all one family. And they don’t see a lot of travellers come this way.
T- They’re into interracial relations but not incest.
C-There’s a line!
The female satyr sidles up to Tom and starts hitting on him. Charlie walks up and whispers in his ear-
C- Satyrs seduce people by laying eggs in their brain.
F- Charlie roll bluff against Tom’s wisdom.
Tom now believes exactly what Charlie said. He freaks out and runs away from the woman. She follows him outside, whereupon Tom tries to attack her with his war axe. Rachel has to break cover in order to save her. The woman is now hitting on Rachel.
A- Are you going to the back room with the goat woman?
C- Sounds bad when you put it like that!
R- Can I roll perception to see if she has any STDs?
Tom is slightly disgruntled about being tied in a corner and not getting to hang out with the hot goat woman. Charlie drinks too much and passes out. beccamarsh goes off with the other two goats.
F- One of you is tied up in the corner, one is passed out under the table and the other two are off having sex with the goat people.
They wake in the morning the discover all their possessions have been stolen. Outside they find the satyrs and a giant living tree.
C- More menacing shrubbery!
F- The satyr pulls out his pipes and plays a jolly tune.
T- A jolly tune! Not a jolly tune!
Charlie is convinced the vision he had during the night refers to this encounter. This is probably due to it being accidentally worded it in such a way that…it sounds like the vision refers to this encounter. It doesn’t.
Using a fairly extensive amount of fuckery Rachel managed to hit the tree despite rolling a 3.
They fell the tree and restrain the satyrs.
R- We should probably tie them up and interrogate them!
C- That’s your solution to everything.
They throw two of the satyrs into the burning inn and listen to them burn alive. They argue about what to do with the female one. It is generally agreed they shouldn’t kill her.
F- You attacked her!
T- I thought she was going to lay eggs in my brain!
F- Not in a malicious way!
They knock her out and decide carry her. beccamarsh is still carrying a fish bowl she found in the inn.
A- To recap you’re carrying an unconscious goat woman and a fish bowl.
R- We can eat it later!
B- You’re not eating my fish!
C- If you let me hit you with my hammer, I can heal your fish.
They continue on to find a corridor containing much shrubbery and a few giant mushrooms. They throw the Molotov cocktails from the inn at the mushrooms.
L- The mushroom explodes in a cloud of poisonous spoors which then ignite into a cloud of fire.
T- Is it a mushroom cloud?
F&L- *simultaneously mime punch line cymbals*
Having defeated all our dastardly traps by simply setting the whole corridor on fire, they move into a small topiary garden. In the centre, atop a fountain, is a topiary of a solider. There is also the topiary of a rabbit, a boar, a wolf and a tiger. They are untreatably suspicious.
C- 100% of the plant life in this maze has tried to attack us!
No surprisingly the topiary come to life and attack the party.
T- Oh no! It’s a zombie topiary!
C- The worst sort of topiary!
The party begin hacking away at the hedge monster with varying degrees of success.
R- Are we getting hungry? Can we eat the fish?
B- You’re not eating my fish!
C- We’re not having this discussion now! We’re fighting the hedge!
The boar charges beccamarsh.
A- That’s the pig. Actually it’s a hog. A topiary hog…made of hedge. Hedge…hog…
*general appreciation of lol-tastic awesome-ness*
The rabbit and Charlie seem to have developed a minor feud. It sucks him inside it.
A- You’re ok with being inside a giant topiary rabbit? You were the one who just said this was Freudian.
They pull a lever on a statue shaped like a woodcutter.
F- A cloud of pixies with tiny sheers emerges…
B- But I pulled the wood cutter lever, not the pixie lever!
A- And pixies came out of it!
T- Mind blown!
Charlie is still inside a giant rabbit.
F- Oberon (Charlie’s character) can do something.
C- Oberon wants to explode out of the rabbit in a shower of gore and by gore I mean branches!
There is some suspicion due to the tiger topiary not having attacked them yet.
C- Let it be! Let’s not provoke any more shrubbery! Its notoriously easy to anger.
Charlie goes back to fighting the rabbit.
A- Really? You want to pull a giant rabbit topiary inside you?
C- When you put it like THAT.
F- The rabbit is going to attack Tom.
C- TRAITOROUS BITCH!
T- *leisurely makes his figure jump across the board* That was a charge by the way.
They defeat the hedge monster, discover that the tiger was actually just a hedge and move into a small clearing where they decide to sleep for the night.
Tom and Charlie fight for control over the satyr woman who’ve they’ve revived.
C- Yeah, preach to her for a while, bed down, leave her tied up.
A mystic floating ball of light appears during the night. Everyone except Tom follows it. They attempt to reason with it.
B- The last time we were nice to something it stole all our things.
R- I say hello.
A- It doesn’t respond.
T- No one ever responds to hello.
A- It giggles slightly. In elvan.
Tom’s character walks into the clearing. Charlie want to tackle him.
F- You’re going to crash tackle Eric?
C- Hell yes. I don’t need provocation to crash tackle Eric.
A nymph appears in the glade and demands that they impress her. Tom is very keen to do so despite his near zero charisma.
T- I can’t do anything! I could hold my breath with endurance!
Tom rolls a natural 20 on his history check. He is now quoting natural history at the nymph while holding his breath in a pond.
Tried to throw Rachel in the air so she can do summersaults in a shower of lightening and glitter. Tom crit fails. Tom throws Rachel into Charlie’s face, she leaps backwards off him, Charlie’s lightening attack hits Tom in the face. It rains glitter.
Rachel tries to do some impressive summersaults and then chat up the nymph. She successes her acrobatics check but crit fails the charisma check. She does some semi-impressive acrobatics and then gibbers like an idiot.
It is party due to this failure that Tom succeeds in seducing the nymph.
R- So the whole point of that was that Tom got laid?