What I learnt in Melbourne

Seriously Melbourne. This doesn’t even make sense WITH context. 

1. It is impossible to get to St Ali (or, I imagine, any other suburban venue) using the map provided in the comedy festival guide.
2. I have a very high tolerance for the ridiculous. For example, being totally lost and faint with hunger in the suburbs of Melbourne while carrying a terriarium, does not phase me at all.
3. I will never know how good Rob Lloyd’s hour of Doctor Who themed comedy was but the Noodle World around the corner is amazing value.
4. Singapore noodles are delicious at the best of times but when you’ve been lost for an hour and have only eaten a California roll, two pieces of toast and an Easter egg since yesterday, they are AMAZING.
5. Nothing keeps me calm like mentally composing blog posts.
6. If a patron considers “taking a wild guess” as to which is the applicable toilet for their gender, there’s a chance you’ve sacrificed practicality for design.
7. A good flyer is delivered by the performer themselves with minimal gimmick and possibly lollies.
8. There is a very particular demeanour that allows you to walk past Town Hall without getting flyered. It takes practice and I’m not even really sure how I pulled it off.
9. That same demeanour can be applied to charity people in day-to-day life. Seriously. I have always been one of those people who charity workers make a bee-line for. This week I have successfully avoided three. If nothing else this skill was worth the MICF experience.
10. The best kind of food costs $10 or less and comes from a slightly dodgy take-away joint.
11. Having said that, sometimes its worth paying for atmosphere and a pretty excellent band in a laneway café.
12.  When you’re really trying to pack in the shows, obscure venues are kind of annoying.
13. Daniel Kitson is good at articulating things.
14. I have no idea why everyone in Melbourne is in love with Daniel Kitson but I had never heard of him
15. Smart Casual. I really, really like Smart Casual.
16. Astroturf is less cold than actual grass.
17. There is a lot of Astroturf in Melbourne
18. Melbourne sucks at typeface.
20. A lot of musical comedy shows do not feature enough songs.
21. There is no such things as too many songs in a comedy context.
22. Art jokes are hilarious.
23. Being an editor is a really, really weird job.
24. Josh Earl is great. I think I’ve practically reached fan-girl levels in a matter of weeks.
25. I really like The Lucksmiths.
26. It is unnecessarily difficult to buy Lucksmiths CDs.
27. Postcards are a drastically underrated method of communication.
28. It is possible to arrive 10 minutes before the start of a show and still be really early.
29. The price of the same glass of cider can fluctuate as much as $5 within a single block.
30. The price of the same glass of cider can fluctuate as much as $5 between two levels of a single building. *coughcoughTRADEScough*
31. I’m cool enough for hipster record shops.
32. You can’t get sick of comedy. But it is possible to run out of laugher. This causes you to smile fondly at jokes which are actually hysterical.
33. I’ve reached a point with Dead Cat Bounce where the desire to dance in their shows is very nearly uncontrollable.
34. You should be allowed to dance at musical comedy shows.
35. There are a lot of problems with the festival guide.
36. Nobody who does any actual work ever fired a sub-editor.
37. Sub-editors are the universe’s gift to us and our sanity.
38. Having moderately well known comedians get cross about reviews on Twitter can be an occupational hazard.
39. You can pretend to be invisible (due to being alone at a gig) so well that people will crush you into the wall.
40. Steal posters early. The good ones get nicked from the easy to pilfer locations quickly.
41. There is literally NO situation where you can confidentially use the phrase “This is the only festival show that…”
42. There is no valid reason why Lord of the Fries does not exist outside Melbourne.
43. Someone should give me a proper job.
44. Dungeons and Dragons humour is very funny. QED- Everyone should play Dungeons and Dragons.
45. There are lots of different types of lonely.
46. If your mild fanatical babbling doesn’t give you away as a fan, the violent shaking might.
47. As a comedian, be careful how you name your show. If the title could be used to ironically slam you in a review, make sure your show is REALLY good.
48. I am possibly too nice to be an editor.
49. When musical comedians do not sell CDs, you may be forced to buy regular CDs with the money you were planning to blow.
50. The discman is, without question, the worst portable music player.
51. Trams are better than buses. At least for napping.
52. A tram weighs as much as 30 rhinos. On skateboards.
53. It is much easier to be brave and actually approach someone you admire when you get more than one chance.
54. You can’t take The Internet to a party.
55. Spontaneously collecting semi-randoms is a good way to achieve a balanced pub trivia team.
56. A lot of stuff about Freud. That’s not comedy related. But its true.
57. Trams are practically daylight robbery. I could get from Newcastle to Sydney for the price of a 2 hour adult fare.
58. There aren’t a lot of stars in Melbourne.
59. Easter eggs are not an appropriate lunch substitute.
60. Bubble tea is weird (sorry Lauretta).
61. You spend seven years of your life in the bathroom.
62. There’s a reason they invented a universally recognised symbol to signpost toilets.
63. I want a ticket to your comedy show. Not a receipt. Not a raffle ticket. A ticket.
64. I would like to buy said ticket from the nice people at the Town Hall box office.
65. Often the reason you are telling people about all the fun you are having has nothing to do with boasting. It’s because you know it’d be at least 10% more fun if they were here.

Further reading

December – home

I spent the first minutes of 2018 on the beach. I’ve never actually spent New Year